how many tweets would a twitter twat tweet if a twitter twat could tweet twits

Last night I had a fit of hysteria. I blacked out. When I regained consciousness I found myself signed up for the twitter.  Shame spiral. I despise and reject all that twitter stands for. That's to say nothing of that name. Twitter sounds like something that happens to 13 year olds when they see a Justin Bieber video. After I threw up a little in my mouth I collected myself. My ninja like reflexes generated several rationalizations to curtail further self loathing.

1) My two favorite blogs announce updates through twitter. I will be able to read posts 21% sooner.

2) The photo editor for Men’s Journal is on twitter, he could see my work and propel me to overnight stardom. Or maybe an assistant to an assistant of a secretary job.

3) There’s like, a billion people on twitter. At least 5 of them will probably like my blog, providing  me 53% more validation than current GAV quotient. (see also: Gross Artistic Validation)

4) I will join twitter ironically and then tweet about how twitter poses a greater threat to the free world than the nuclear arms race, global warming and oil shortages.

5) If everyone jumped off a cliff, I would totally do it too.

Rationalization exercise complete, I perused a couple  blogs, read a tweet or two and then realized that 4 hours had passed and it was 3am. I put my computer to sleep and then attempted to drift off myself.

As soon as I was asleep an angel appeared. He took my hand and pulled me through time and space to emerge sometime in the near future. I’m not sure how far in the future we were, but Kim Kardashian was running for president, and the debates were being moderated by Ryan Seacrest on the E! network.

My eyes were opened, I was given a vision of the future Tworld. I present to you the prophesy I was given.  True story, I really did dream this.

If the world continues to fervently embrace bedazzled cell phones, cologne soaked Abercrombie stores and Twitter things will spin out of control.  People everywhere will start talking like they are on The Jersey Shore and then forget how to speak English all together. Soon we'll all add definite articles to our names. Verbal exchanges will drop to 140 characters per sentence. A new language will be born and Webster’s will make dictionary additions including:

Biarbee: the expressed intention to return shortly and often not at all.
Ohemgee:  Exclamatory, expressing minimal to extreme surprise or interest.

Eloel: to express mild or polite amusement toward another’s topic of conversation.

Example: "Ohemgee The Happening, did I tell ya bout my new tribal arm band tattoo?"   "Eloel The Chad, biarbee..."

Twitter will consume society and all private life will become public. Results will vary.

We'll begin using twitter and similar programs for every part of our lives. Of course the ramifications are unimaginable. I couldn't see what else happened because I awoke, but before I faded back to our current reality I did learn that US elections were being held via text message (text KK1 for Kim and JS2 for John. Standard rates and surcharges apply. limit one vote per hour) and sponsored by AT&T, Old Navy and Taco Bell.

I'm sure Twitter isn't really that bad and i'm just being dramatic, however before I was transported back through space and time I did get several tweets from people that were trending "#Where did all these Locusts come from?"

P.S. Don't forget to follow me on twitter!