Our dogs are professional nappers. Mad skills. word.
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The international adventures of two recovering urbanites on the open road.
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
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*Disclaimer*
You may read this and say to yourself "This is mindless drivel. Doesn't this Jag have anything more intellectual to write about? To which I reply, "First off buddy, maybe I DO have better stuff to write about and I'm saving it up untill another 3 people are following this blog okay! Yeh I can hear what you're thinking to yourself while reading this. what now? You don't have to partake of this schlock if you're just gonna drink hatorade the whole time and pee on my parade, and B. I blame YOU cause if you had a better idea, you shoulda emailed me with a question or thought and I would be happy to engage you in a witty repartee on the subject of your choosing , and 3. you ain't my mom, you're not the boss of me! That's right, suck it.
...But seriously Email me with your post ideas and I'll drop tightly coiled piles of knowledge on your topic. for FREE!
Tonight's philosophical journey begins with a delightful stroll through the television jungle at 2:37am
Click
...Stop suffering every time you look at yourself in the mirror. No more confining girdles or endless dieting. STOP hassling with complicated exercise programs. Actually feel good about the way you look without spending thousands on plastic surgery. ALL you need is the new BodyShapertm
Click
...get those abs shredded while you lay in bed for just 3 minutes a
Click
...you know they say when you stand up straight you have more confidence and this just pulls that gut right in without ever hitting the gy
Click
...only about 3 thousand more of these coins Richard and they. are. going. fast. And if people don't act right now
Click
...Now you can steam, grill, fry, bake or roast- ALL in your microwave. All under ten minutes!
Click
...I love shopping now. I'm trying on clothes that I haven't tried on in 20 years.
Click
...is now making over $50,000 a month while sitting on the couch playing video games.
Click
...I tried other things and nothing worked but this.
Click
...to get into the BEST shape of your life faster and easier than you ever dreamed possible. With just 6-8 minutes a day you can
Click
...Kim, Khloe and Kourney show you the secret to their PERFECT skin
Click
...locks in flavor
Click
...the easiest most delicious pork shops you have every eaten in your entire
Click
...in just 20 minutes a day, 3 times a week you can transform your body like you've never
Click
...totally recession proof
Click
...you're doing quiche, eggs AND cinnamon rolls all together? at once? that's crazy Jill
Click
...Sausage, you got bacon, bagel, pancakes, waffles. Let's go over here to lunch. You got burg
Click
...comes from a melon, in the south of France and it really stops your skin from showing the signs of aging. And after the very first treatment
Click
...thinner than I was in highschool
Of course, this makes me ponder (you as well I'm sure) the question of alien life and whether they have visited earth before. I offer this as proof that higher beings have in fact not stumbled across our little marble, because if they did, they would undoubtedly first begin research of our species before making contact. The first and most obvious study would of course be rendered upon the orbital mosh pit of satellites that circles our globe and the information transmitted to and from. Assuming that the aliens would most likely orbit us on the night side of the rock, as to hide their giant crafts in the darkness of space and stay green by reducing the usage of AC units on board, they would surely pick up nighttime broadcast such that the preceding exhibit.
Upon completion of this recon effort and council would convene for a whole 10 minutes and inevitably conclude that we were the lowest form of intelligence know to the Galaxy. Our value system as represented can be defined as such:
1. Look skinny.
2. Eat more.
3. Look young.
4, Get more money, but without hard work.
5. Cook food quickly and easily. (see item 2)
6. Spend as little time exercising as possible (see item 1)
7. Clean domestic domicile
8. Diet. (or just pop pills)
9. have phone sex (That's the other tele-sattelite broadcasting at 3am)
10. look better.
This would prompt the aliens to turn their ships around and leave our sad little species to eventually eat each other alive or die out from overdosing on diet pills, fake tan spray (discovered to cause mental retardation in the year 2038) and gorging on chemically process, hormone injected meat products cooked with nuclear ions for 5 out of 6 meals a day.
The aliens would be shaking their collective giant green heads and flipping a bitch over Wisconsin when Reggie would stumble across The history Channel or CNN. The aliens would instantly realize that we are not just image obsessed, glutinous, lazy, superficial, money hungry, Prima Donnas. but also bloodthirsty, greedy war mongers. There would be a collective sigh as they turned around and death-rayed the crap out of us all like the intergalactic flu bug before we spread our doctrine beyond our planet. Then they'd mosey on down the cosmos.
So, the moral of this story is:
Church.
You may read this and say to yourself "This is mindless drivel. Doesn't this Jag have anything more intellectual to write about? To which I reply, "First off buddy, maybe I DO have better stuff to write about and I'm saving it up untill another 3 people are following this blog okay! Yeh I can hear what you're thinking to yourself while reading this. what now? You don't have to partake of this schlock if you're just gonna drink hatorade the whole time and pee on my parade, and B. I blame YOU cause if you had a better idea, you shoulda emailed me with a question or thought and I would be happy to engage you in a witty repartee on the subject of your choosing , and 3. you ain't my mom, you're not the boss of me! That's right, suck it.
...But seriously Email me with your post ideas and I'll drop tightly coiled piles of knowledge on your topic. for FREE!
Tonight's philosophical journey begins with a delightful stroll through the television jungle at 2:37am
Click
...Stop suffering every time you look at yourself in the mirror. No more confining girdles or endless dieting. STOP hassling with complicated exercise programs. Actually feel good about the way you look without spending thousands on plastic surgery. ALL you need is the new BodyShapertm
Click
...get those abs shredded while you lay in bed for just 3 minutes a
Click
...you know they say when you stand up straight you have more confidence and this just pulls that gut right in without ever hitting the gy
Click
...only about 3 thousand more of these coins Richard and they. are. going. fast. And if people don't act right now
Click
...Now you can steam, grill, fry, bake or roast- ALL in your microwave. All under ten minutes!
Click
...I love shopping now. I'm trying on clothes that I haven't tried on in 20 years.
Click
...is now making over $50,000 a month while sitting on the couch playing video games.
Click
...I tried other things and nothing worked but this.
Click
...to get into the BEST shape of your life faster and easier than you ever dreamed possible. With just 6-8 minutes a day you can
Click
...Kim, Khloe and Kourney show you the secret to their PERFECT skin
Click
...locks in flavor
Click
...the easiest most delicious pork shops you have every eaten in your entire
Click
...in just 20 minutes a day, 3 times a week you can transform your body like you've never
Click
...totally recession proof
Click
...you're doing quiche, eggs AND cinnamon rolls all together? at once? that's crazy Jill
Click
...Sausage, you got bacon, bagel, pancakes, waffles. Let's go over here to lunch. You got burg
Click
...comes from a melon, in the south of France and it really stops your skin from showing the signs of aging. And after the very first treatment
Click
...thinner than I was in highschool
Of course, this makes me ponder (you as well I'm sure) the question of alien life and whether they have visited earth before. I offer this as proof that higher beings have in fact not stumbled across our little marble, because if they did, they would undoubtedly first begin research of our species before making contact. The first and most obvious study would of course be rendered upon the orbital mosh pit of satellites that circles our globe and the information transmitted to and from. Assuming that the aliens would most likely orbit us on the night side of the rock, as to hide their giant crafts in the darkness of space and stay green by reducing the usage of AC units on board, they would surely pick up nighttime broadcast such that the preceding exhibit.
Upon completion of this recon effort and council would convene for a whole 10 minutes and inevitably conclude that we were the lowest form of intelligence know to the Galaxy. Our value system as represented can be defined as such:
1. Look skinny.
2. Eat more.
3. Look young.
4, Get more money, but without hard work.
5. Cook food quickly and easily. (see item 2)
6. Spend as little time exercising as possible (see item 1)
7. Clean domestic domicile
8. Diet. (or just pop pills)
9. have phone sex (That's the other tele-sattelite broadcasting at 3am)
10. look better.
This would prompt the aliens to turn their ships around and leave our sad little species to eventually eat each other alive or die out from overdosing on diet pills, fake tan spray (discovered to cause mental retardation in the year 2038) and gorging on chemically process, hormone injected meat products cooked with nuclear ions for 5 out of 6 meals a day.
The aliens would be shaking their collective giant green heads and flipping a bitch over Wisconsin when Reggie would stumble across The history Channel or CNN. The aliens would instantly realize that we are not just image obsessed, glutinous, lazy, superficial, money hungry, Prima Donnas. but also bloodthirsty, greedy war mongers. There would be a collective sigh as they turned around and death-rayed the crap out of us all like the intergalactic flu bug before we spread our doctrine beyond our planet. Then they'd mosey on down the cosmos.
So, the moral of this story is:
PAID ADVERTISING + HUMANITY STILL ALIVE = PROOF ALIENS DO NOT EXIST.
Church.
My state's beer is better than your state's beer.
Or at least naughtier! Let's take a look at a few of the amazing microbrews available in this great town. BTW, I did not alter or make up any of these products. you can buy all of them at our tiny little grocery store. Only one image was edited slightly in order to make me giggle like a school girl. bet you can't find it.
This beer will beat you down and call you a sissy. It's delicious and it only costs $100 an hour.
Don't you wanna taste the sassy pickle? Notice how happy The Wife is. This made her giggle for an hour. Some people are just so juvenile...
This is actually part of the new Washington state government alcohol warning requirements. When yer drunk, protect yer junk kids!
It's not the size of the bottle it's the potency of the sauce.
The best thing to do when you're drinking is try and ride a bike like a skateboard then get naked and jump head first into shallow, fast moving water.
Tune in next time for extra rad Washington business signs.
This beer will beat you down and call you a sissy. It's delicious and it only costs $100 an hour.
Don't you wanna taste the sassy pickle? Notice how happy The Wife is. This made her giggle for an hour. Some people are just so juvenile...
This is actually part of the new Washington state government alcohol warning requirements. When yer drunk, protect yer junk kids!
It's not the size of the bottle it's the potency of the sauce.
The best thing to do when you're drinking is try and ride a bike like a skateboard then get naked and jump head first into shallow, fast moving water.
Tune in next time for extra rad Washington business signs.
The meanest / most awesome thing I've posted to date
So my mom told me a while ago she was going to follow my blog. I don't think she is. Which is fine, because it totally had me all wigged out for a while about censoring myself and not saying anything I'd get shame calls about. But after quite some time i'm pretty sure that she has not only neglected to keep up with it, but never even read it. It's a pretty easy guess since I had like 10 hits (what! number droppin yo!) this month. Yes, I can talk about how many people have read my blog like Single Dad Laughing. (I'm hoping that drinkin hatorade will help me blow up like beta dad)
But I digress. So in the interest of discovering if my mom is actually blog stalking me with Ninja stealth I have devised a truly heinous and twisted test. Because if she is reading my blog, she won't be able to help but freak out, and this post will end up getting removed under threat of legal action.
So without further ado, I present to you, a stunning 80's flashback moment. And don't try and lie, you know you went to The G shots too! Sooo sexay.
My phone is gonna ring in like ten minutes, or my mom doesn't actually read this blog.
But I digress. So in the interest of discovering if my mom is actually blog stalking me with Ninja stealth I have devised a truly heinous and twisted test. Because if she is reading my blog, she won't be able to help but freak out, and this post will end up getting removed under threat of legal action.
So without further ado, I present to you, a stunning 80's flashback moment. And don't try and lie, you know you went to The G shots too! Sooo sexay.
And you thought YOU had a bad day
Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire. We just found out that all 33 coal miners who were trapped in a chilean mine for 70 days (that's right, 70 friggin days!) made it out alive. It was a happy homecoming no doubt for, well almost everyone I'm sure. Except for Yonni Barrios, who's wife found out he was cheating when she met his mistress at -get this- a memorial service for the miners. Talk about getting out of the frying pan and into the fire.
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