The Dogs

We interrupt your regular schedule life for this commercial break

*Disclaimer*
  You may read this and say to yourself "This is mindless drivel. Doesn't this Jag have anything more intellectual to write about?  To which I reply, "First off buddy, maybe I DO have better stuff to write about and I'm saving it up untill another 3 people are following this blog okay! Yeh I can hear what you're thinking to yourself while reading this. what now? You don't have to partake of this schlock if you're just gonna drink hatorade the whole time and pee on my parade, and B. I blame YOU cause if you had a better idea, you shoulda emailed me with a question or thought and I would be happy to engage you in a witty repartee on the subject of your choosing , and 3. you ain't my mom, you're not the boss of me! That's right, suck it.

...But seriously Email me with your post ideas and I'll drop tightly coiled piles of knowledge on your topic. for FREE!



 Tonight's philosophical journey begins with a delightful stroll through the television jungle at 2:37am

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...Stop suffering every time you look at yourself in the mirror. No more confining girdles or endless dieting. STOP hassling with complicated exercise programs. Actually feel good about the way you look without spending thousands on plastic surgery. ALL you need is the new BodyShapertm
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...get those abs shredded while you lay in bed for just 3 minutes a
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...you know they say when you stand up straight you have more confidence and this just pulls that gut right in without ever hitting the gy
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...only about 3 thousand more of these coins Richard and they. are. going. fast. And if people don't act right now
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...Now you can steam, grill, fry, bake or roast- ALL in your microwave. All under ten minutes!
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...I love shopping now. I'm trying on clothes that I haven't tried on in 20 years.
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...is now making over $50,000 a month while sitting on the couch playing video games.
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...I tried other things and nothing worked but this.
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...to get into the BEST shape of your life faster and easier than you ever dreamed possible. With just 6-8 minutes a day you can
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...Kim, Khloe and Kourney show you the secret to their PERFECT skin
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...locks in flavor
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...the easiest most delicious pork shops you have every eaten in your entire
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...in just 20 minutes a day, 3 times a week you can transform your body like you've never
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...totally recession proof
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...you're doing quiche, eggs AND cinnamon rolls all together? at once? that's crazy Jill
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...Sausage, you got bacon, bagel, pancakes, waffles. Let's go over here to lunch. You got burg
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...comes from a melon, in the south of France and it really stops your skin from showing the signs of aging. And after the very first treatment
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...thinner than I was in highschool



Of course, this makes me ponder (you as well I'm sure) the question of alien life and whether they have visited earth before. I offer this as proof that higher beings have in fact not stumbled across our little marble, because if they did, they would undoubtedly first begin research of our species before making contact. The first and most obvious study would of course be rendered upon the orbital mosh pit of satellites that circles our globe and the information transmitted to and from. Assuming that the aliens would most likely orbit us on the night side of the rock, as to hide their giant crafts in the darkness of space and stay green by reducing the usage of AC units on board, they would surely pick up nighttime broadcast such that the preceding exhibit.

Upon completion of this recon effort and council would convene for a whole 10 minutes and inevitably conclude that we were the lowest form of intelligence know to the Galaxy. Our value system as represented can be defined as such:

1. Look skinny.
2. Eat more.
3. Look young.
4, Get more money, but without hard work.
5. Cook food quickly and easily. (see item 2)
6. Spend as little time exercising as possible (see item 1)
7. Clean domestic domicile
8. Diet. (or just pop pills)
9. have phone sex (That's the other tele-sattelite broadcasting at 3am)
10. look better.

This would prompt the aliens to turn their ships around and leave our sad little species to eventually eat each other alive or die out from overdosing on diet pills, fake tan spray (discovered to cause mental retardation in the year 2038) and gorging on chemically process, hormone injected meat products cooked with nuclear ions for 5 out of 6 meals a day.

The aliens would be shaking their collective giant green heads and flipping a bitch over Wisconsin when Reggie would stumble across The history Channel or CNN. The aliens would instantly realize that we are not just image obsessed, glutinous, lazy, superficial, money hungry, Prima Donnas. but also bloodthirsty, greedy war mongers. There would be a collective sigh as they turned around and death-rayed the crap out of us all like the intergalactic flu bug before we spread our doctrine beyond our planet. Then they'd mosey on down the cosmos.

So, the moral of this story is:  

PAID ADVERTISING + HUMANITY STILL ALIVE = PROOF ALIENS DO NOT EXIST.


 Church.

3 comments:

  1. this is why I watch all my TV online. very few commercials. they rot your brain.

    ReplyDelete
  2. yeh they do... hey look a bird.

    ReplyDelete
  3. sorry, what were we talking about?

    ReplyDelete

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