The Dogs

Exploding anal glands, the future of America and overpriced dog pills.

Random Tuesday is here again and my brain is all set for a deluge of randomness. In fact I'm so scattered lately I can barely form complete sentences. Okay, here we go. On the docket today, tivo is the balls, the Toyota kid needs to shut stupid his face and be glad his family even has a car in this economy, my dog's ass exploded (for reals) and the EBCSCM crumbles under the weight of my devastating influence on the internet.

We have tivo now which is pretty much the greatest invention since Gutenberg built the first inkjet. Why? Because commercials are for suckers. I completely stopped watching commercial television for a while and just stuck with hulu and other sites because I was so sick of the 23 minutes of commercials i had to sit through for a half hour show. However, out here in the woods the only other visual entertainment comes from watching the rain fall or the ocassional sea otter or bald eagle, which is majestic, incredible, and beautiful, but only awesome for about the first 300 times you see it. Thankfully tivo allowed us our moderate amount of television without being consumed by ad revenue.

Tivo is also so new to us that we often forget about it and just let all the commercials play. Which is okay sometimes because I actually like to stay up to date on current advertising and branding  trends. Some commercials are pretty awesome. Others single-handedly exemplify everything that is wrong with the world.

Case in point, I'm completely friggin sick of this jack-wagon Toyota kid. Know what I'm talking about?  No? You must have been spared from this idiotic commercial. Here's one from the series.

 *Before you get your undies twisted and start writing me hate mail about my hatred toward  children, it should be noted that when talking about "that kid" I am in fact talking about the character that Toyota created NOT the real kid who I'm sure is a perfectly nice young lad.

 You don't TOLERATE dorkiness? You know what I don't tolerate junior? Being talked down to like a moron by some snot nosed little brat who's just a few years away from a trucker hat, yellow Hummer and a personal stash of Rohypnol.

The fact that these ad guys believe society has reached a point at which grown ass adults can be shamed into buying a new car by the condescending disapproval of a douchey little 8 year old is crazy! Be afraid people. We are all being treated like idiots more and more every day.

There's another commercial with a kid who won't come out from the bushes to get in his dad's older (therefore obviously lame) car at school. This is like everything that's wrong with America. Are people out there really concerned if their child approves of the status they are projecting through the family car? Holy back-assward priorities ad-man! NO you don't get to dictate if the family car is cool enough, because you're a KID. Shut up and be thankful you don't have to walk three miles to school uphill both ways like the old days. In fact, be happy that you live in a time when we have invented cars at all you little snots! The dad shoulda walked over and gave that kid a friggin spanking in front of everyone. Then riding in an old car wouldn't seem that embarrassing (That's a Vinny C reference. I'm hoping for the next tanned hide award). I blame you Don Draper! You started this downward spiral which will ultimately lead tot he downfall of the entire human race you dashing, pomade loving bastard.

Ahem. okay, I blacked out a for a second.Where was I?

Oh yes, exploding anal glands. Just when I think things are settling down a little bit on the fecal front, our Boston Terrier's ass explodes! Okay it didn't really explode. It just swelled up on one side like she had a golf ball in her butt cheek. We ran to google in a panic. And yes, in fact she had a "ruptured anal gland." Awesome. Fantastic. Lovely.

Several hundred dollars later she was back from an all day sojourn to the vet, recovering from a fairly invasive surgery. (More invasive than I would ever want to experience that's for sure) Thankfully she never seemed to be in any pain. Although that could be from the pills which, if the price was indicative, were apparently a designer drug developed by NASA and hand packaged one at a time by Donald Trump.

Sidenote: It's really a shame that there's no black market for dog meds, because I'm pretty sure that the "under the counter" vicodin, ambien and oxicodone the kids were buying when I was in college was about half the price of these friggin doggy pain pills. We should have just got her a medicann card.

Anyway, now The Beast has a second butthole. No, really. They drained her exploded gland and then left a twin just to the right of her original rectumus maximus.  I'll spare you photos or gory details. Suffice it to say that the ancillary hole was necessitated by the need to "allow anal gland secretions to drain" from the gland and wash the wound twice a day until it heals. FUN! So now we have a dog with matching tail pipes. I always wanted to upgrade the exhaust system on something I owned. I just always thought it would be a Harley.

Lastly, since someone mentioned the seat covers recently to me, I should mention that my awesome bloggy super powers terrified the EBCSCM so much that they emailed and said that we could return the seat covers that did not fit our car. Except now I'm all "Hey screw you guys, you think I can't get these seat covers to work? I can make these bastards fit if it kills me!" So now I'm faced with the question of actually returning them. Which feels strangely like giving up and by some mutation of my genetic makeup I am for some reason, mostly incapable of "giving up." So I'm tempted to write them back and be all like "Yo douchebuckets! Guess what, I'm not gonna return them now!" But the truth is in the end they just aren't going to fit and I do need to return them. Hopefully they don't care about the little rips they got during the failed installation.



  1. That well placed mention only made me laugh harder. Thanks for the mention & the laughs & thanks especially for sparing us those photos. And, yeah, the Toyota kid irritates me too.

  2. I'm pretty sure dual exhaust on a dog is...just not as cool. Toyota kid would probably like it, though.

    (Honestly, that commercial has probably single-handedly sent Toyota into a downward spiral. Well, that and the brakes that stick. Geez, they're not having a good run, are they?)

  3. Upgraded exhaust pipes? Poor puppy. guess it is a good thing you caught it before it exploded properly. That could have been messy

  4. I find myself deeply perturbed by pooch anal anatomy. Deeply perturbed indeed. But not as deeply perturbed by those nasty ass pesky commercials about the kids and their influence on parents' selection of the family car. "Hey kid, when you can pay for the friggin car you can choose the friggin car. Til then, get a life and learn to not be so damn superficial!"

  5. to respond?....Where to start??
    1 - "Hey dad, you should totally over extend your credit and get a "cooler" car and go into more debt than you may or may not already be in. If you don't I may grow up to be serial killer and it will be all your fault."

    2 - Murphy had a similar ass situation when he was a pup. Turned out to be a seroma. Still a pain in the ass (no pun intended) to deal with. P.S. - My '69 Mustang has dual exhaust....just sayin'. Thought it was a good tie in.

    3. - Don't let the car seats win. By sending them back you are telling them that YOU are clearly to good for THEM. Right? Right?

  6. Vinny: I need to go dig up your post about spanking and llink back to it so people will have some context. Text without context is pretext!

    Keely: guess what! we have a toyota and we recently got a letter from them about ANOTHER recall they are doing on a chip in the engine control board. The irony is, even with all the recalls and stupid commercials, I think our Toyota is still the best car we've owned so far.

    Mynx: Yes indeed. Technically I guess it had ruptured inside already, the bad thing is if you leave it then it gets all infected. LOVELY!

    Nikki: It's totally untoward! UNTOWARD I tell you! There's something really wrong with the world when kids are concerned with the car their parents drive. you're not supposed to think about that till you get the piece of shit hand me down wagon from dad in your early years. And on that note, what's up with people giving their kids brand new cars for their first vehicle?? your first car is supposed to be a creaky, smoking, overheating, grandma smelling old P.O.S. not some swanky new off the lot piece you gonna go crash. jeesh. My kid is getting a friggin '89 dodge!

    Heather: I'm friggin jealous! I used to have a '66 Mustang. I miss that car so bad. And I like your rationale for the seat covers. If there's one feeling I enjoy as a consumer it's a sense of superiority.

  7. so disgusting. so awesome. so scarred. return the damn seat covers!
    AND look up the commercials for "swagger wagon". it makes me laugh.


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